Euphemisms for Death

I’ll never forget sitting with my friend Ruth, in her sunny living room as we planned her funeral.

She was still well enough to sit in her chair by the window at that point and, having lost a lot of weight in recent months due to her illness, had been doing a bit of online shopping for some new nighties and comfy trousers that actually fit.

We were in the middle of writing her funeral plan when a delivery driver dropped off a parcel of clothes, and she stopped mid flow, holding her parcel, fixed me with a stare and stated emphatically “You must NOT refer to me as ‘passed away’ after I die! I’m not a parcel, I’m not being passed anywhere. I’LL be dead, and THIS is a parcel!”

Now whenever anyone says ‘passed away’ I always think of Ruth (…..and I was very careful at her funeral to avoid that particular euphemism for death!).

At a course at I did recently at the Hospice in the Weald, where I was training to become a bereavement support volunteer there, we had a discussion about ‘euphemisms for death’. Between us, the group came up with over 30 different ways of saying ‘dead’ without actually using the D word! Despite being a Londoner, I’d never heard the term  ‘Brown Bread’ (cockney rhyming slang for ‘Dead’!!) and was interested to hear the two non-British people on the course share that in their countries there are no euphemisms for death – people just say ‘died’ and ‘dead’.

….Which made me wonder if this discomfort with talking about death is a specifically British phenomenon? (….see my blog post ‘The D word’ for more thoughts on this!!)

In my work as a celebrant, I listen carefully, and tend to mirror whatever language a bereaved or dying person uses themselves. Having said that, I do think there’s a strong argument for using the official terminology (in the same way that I’ve always taught my kids the correct names for their body parts!) and I will always use the word ‘died’ where I feel I can.

Many of the euphemisms for death that we use can be confusing, upsetting and frankly, misleading.

I recall one lady telling me that as a child, she was terrified to go to bed for weeks, after her granny ‘fell asleep’ and ended up in a coffin.

And throughout my own childhood, I remember finding the promise that my grandma (who I scarcely remembered) was ‘watching over me’ less of a comfort and more of a mild threat!

I was told of the confusion created in a workplace when a colleague was described as ‘sadly no longer with us’ (was she dead? or had she just been transferred to a different department?!).

‘In a better place’ can be an upsetting concept when someone dies who had much to live for and people who need them here in this place.

And the euphemisms ‘In heaven’, ‘In the arms of Jesus’ or ‘Gone to the stars’ can be deeply inappropriate if they do not align with a person’s own faith or spiritual beliefs.

The advice from child psychologists is that it is especially important to be really clear with children, in an age appropriate way, about death - because if a child is told that grandad has ‘gone away’ they’ll be left wondering why he doesn’t come back.

So, I will continue to use the words ‘died’ or ‘dead’ – gently and sensitively – for clarity and to avoid any confusing messages.

What do you think?

 What euphemisms for death are used in your family? I’d love to know…..!