The 'D' Word

British culture is not very good at death. 

We don’t like to talk about it. 

We prefer not to think about it. 

We imagine it happens to 'other people.'

We feel uncomfortable about how to respond when someone is bereaved. 

We are massively ill-prepared when someone close to us dies.

And yet, death is the one certainty of this human existence. The only thing that we can guarantee will happen to us all.

And so I think we need to start talking about the 'D' word!

I feel passionate about normalising conversations about death and dying. In my work as a funeral celebrant, bereavement support group facilitator, and as a hospice volunteer I see the positive difference that it can make when people are equipped with the vocabulary, and the knowledge to make some sense of death and dying. 

Death can be a hard topic to broach - and yet when we are able to have those conversations, they can deepen relationships with those we love, reassure and comfort those who are facing the end of their lives, give us a sense of agency and control at a transitional time, and take some of the pressure off our loved ones when they are grieving. 

As a funeral celebrant, I work with bereaved families and individuals to create very personalised funeral ceremonies or celebrations of life that truly reflect the person at the heart of them. And it makes a massive difference when families have actually talked to the person about their death and what they might want for their funeral. Everyone wants to do the right thing when it comes to organising this final rite of passage for someone they love, but if the topic of death has been taboo, we are often left floundering when it comes to making decisions. I have seen so many families fall out over what songs mum liked, or whether grandad would want prayers at his funeral, or who should carry the coffin, or over cremation vs. burial.

I love it when I get to support people as they approach the end of their lives, helping them to plan their own funerals and write their own life stories. It makes things so much easier for families when a person has been involved in the planning and had the opportunity to state their wishes. Part of this work is about helping people to understand the different choices and options around death - in the same way that expectant mothers are encouraged to write a ‘birth plan’, it can be really helpful and empowering to make a ‘death plan’ – whether your death feel immanent or not.

Have you ever considered making a death plan? There’s a useful new (ish) resource which is being adopted across the NHS called the ‘Respect Form’. It is replacing the DNR (do not resuscitate) form, and offers a slightly more nuanced approach to allowing people to state their priorities and wishes for the end of their lives. Anyone can ask their GP for one and get it added to their medical notes (and it can be updated as often as necessary as your circumstances change).

If you’d like to take things further than the ‘Respect’ form, why not find a time to sit down with your family and have a conversation about death. It’s easier to do this when everyone is healthy – and it’s never too early!  In my family, we're in the process of all filling in a shared google doc with everyones wishes detailed on it.

If you need some help with broaching the subject, I have written a ‘Tender Conversations’ prompt sheet which outlines the kinds of questions you might like to ask. The conversation it opened with my in-laws when I sat down with them last year to go through the questions was probably the deepest and most profound we’ve had in 20 years, and I was so grateful for the opportunity to connect in that way, and their willingness to engage with it.

Trust me, once you get over the initial awkwardness it’s a really interesting conversation to have and you’ll find out things you didn’t know about the people in your life!

To access a free downloadable copy of the ‘Tender Conversations’ document click here.

And if you feel you could use some help with facilitating the conversation, I can sit with you and your loved ones and go through it with you over a cuppa!